Disclaimer: This is a satire article.
In a stunning and brave new move by the NC State Student Government, new legislation has been put forth to replace Mr. and Mrs. Wuf with more gender inclusive mascots, Wolf 1 and Wolf 2. When asked on the matter, Student Body President Mckenzie Heavlin told The Free Pack, “NC State seeks to promote Diversity™, Equity™, and Inclusion™. We’ve been on a streak lately of removing racist street names, artwork possibly inspired by a bad person somewhere, and lyrics no one cared about, when suddenly we realized we were leaving out the most important community of all: the LGBTQIAA+-*\[3 community. We could no longer stay silent.”
The Free Pack continued to ask around. One Senator from CHASS said, “If there is anything we have learned in the past seven years, it is that social norms are oppressive. We now know that women no longer need to wear dresses to be women and men no longer need penises to be men. We also know that heteronormative relationships are just as valid as any other. The outdated Mr. and Mrs. Wuf pushed a narrative that females must be feminine, males must be masculine, and that heteronormativity is king. To that the Student Government says, ‘Hate has no home here.’” So brave.
Finally, The Free Pack asked the diversity king himself, 65 year old straight white male Chancellor Randy Woodson. When asked about the move to cancel the iconic mascot couple, Woodson said, “I was told to say this is a wonderful move that supports Diversity™ , Equity™, and Inclusion™. Mr. and Mrs. Wuf reflected a bygone era of marriage, gender binaries, and racism. We are excited to introduce our new mascots: Wolf 1 and Wolf 2! Go pack!”
Wolf 1 identifies as a gender queer woodland squirrel and Wolf 2 identifies as gender fluid. Wolf 2’s gender may change from game to game depending on its mood. Wolf 1 and Wolf 2 will make their introduction at our third home game against the UConn Huskies.
Critics of the decision asked questions like “Why are we constantly removing things?” and “This seems dumb.” The critics were asked how long they supported bigotry and hate. We will spare you the responses and sum it up as, “We hate good thing; good thing bad.”
Regardless of your opinion on the matter, those calling to erase history will surely stop here.
